Helping Someone with OCD: It’s Not a Suicide Mission

If somebody that you know and love has OCD, I'm going to guess that there are moments that you just wished you could swoop in, fix everything, and take away the pain. That is what I'd like to talk with you about today. 


He was describing this scene in which he was on Air Force 1 with the president and all the president's staff. They didn't know where to land. The president's military aide called him over and said, look out that window. What do you see? And Morel said, well, he saw steam rising from the bombed Pentagon and an F-16 that was so close that he said he could actually see the face of the pilot.

And this military aid said, do you know why that F-16 is there? And Murrell said, no. And the military aid said, they're there in case somebody fires a surface to air missile at us on our final approach, their job is to put themselves between that missile and the president of the United States. Morel describes that the skin still prickles when he thinks about that story. Well, if you got maybe an adult child or a partner or somebody that you love with OCD, my guess is that there have been times when you felt like that F-16 pilot.

You are ready to just swoop in and protect the person you love from all of the consequences and pain that's caused by OCD. You may have tried to intersect the dangers. And if you've tried to do that, chances are very good that you haven't gotten very good results. And the reason is simple.

Really, the best person to manage OCD is the person whose brain is wired with OCD.


That does not mean that you are not important. That also doesn't mean that you don't have different jobs depending on the age of your child who is diagnosed with OCD. But what I'm here to suggest to you is that you will have a human longing to fix things for the person you love, especially if you yourself are not wired with an OCD brain. However, the very best thing that you can do is shine some light on compassion when you find yourself wanting to just fix things, and then remind yourself how you can do the most impactful thing. And that is building a meaningful relationship with the person you love with OCD.

It's by letting them know you are not alone in your pain. I am here. I love you. I believe in you, and I see a full life for you even with OCD. It's just a question of learning how to manage OCD more effectively.

Build a Foundation of Trust by Prioritizing Patients

So what I'd like to do is share some ideas from the CIA since we started talking about the CIA, about how they build meaningful relationships in which they can gather intelligence. So what they suggest is you build a foundation of trust by prioritizing patients. When you're dealing with somebody with OCD, oftentimes, they're in the grips of what feels to them like a life threatening situation. You are going to want to act urgently. You're gonna wanna intervene and sort of be that hero.

However, just take a deep breath and calm yourself because it's not really a life threatening situation. Their brain is telling them and you that this is a life threatening situation. But because you don't have this OCD wiring, you have additional intelligence.

You know that this is not real. This is just a compulsion.

It's just a thought. It's also important to strengthen bonds with the people you love by listening with undivided attention. By asking them, well, what is going on with you? That sounds really hard. Just being there, witnessing what's happening with somebody else.

Then the CIA offers something absolutely delightful. They say, apply wait and waste in high stakes conversation. So what does wait mean? Why am I talking?

It's a reminder that you build meaningful relationships not by talking, but by listening.

And if you fail at wait, then you go on to wait. Why am I still talking? So remember, you can be the compassionate witness to a loved one who is struggling with OCD. Next, avoid the pitfalls of transactional interactions. As the parent, as the person who loves somebody with OCD, you might think that your job is to get them to just cut out the compulsions.

Just stop it. Just act like a normal human being. So that would be a transactional interaction. How you can persuade somebody to do something differently. But there are costs to transactional interactions.

What you really want to do is step into this role of compassionate witness. You know, I am here. I see your pain, and you are not alone. No matter what is going on, I am going to love you, and I am going to accept you. And then last, be aware of another person's challenges and motivation.

Unmanaged OCD Can Erode Lives

Like what's really important to them? Oftentimes, unmanaged OCD can erode lives. They can't do the things that are important to them that are meaningful for them. So you can be there to understand how the challenges of unmanaged OCD erode the quality of life, and then be there to offer motivation for managing OCD. Look.

Wouldn't you like to get this thing back in your life? So if you find yourself wanting to hop in that F-16 and swoop in and intersect all the potential dangers that become that come between the person you love and their life of unmanaged OCD. Please remember this. You're gonna get the best results when you build meaningful relationship. So build a foundation of trust, strengthen bonds by listening with undivided attention, apply weight and waste in high stakes conversation, avoid the pitfalls of transactional interactions, and be aware of the other person's challenges and motivations.

You can do this. And by managing what you do, you are in a much better position to help the person you love with OCD get back to the life that they love.