How to Break a Habit and Why It's So Hard to Do

Have you ever tried to break a habit? It is hard to do.

Let's break down what a habit is and how to break unwanted habits, even when it's hard. 
 

So let's kick this off with a story. 

During the pandemic, I was finding myself watching a lots of TV. And I mean a lots of TV. And it was getting in the way of the progress of the book I was working on. 

So I decided to stop watching TV, cold turkey. Now, I love Jeopardy. Every night at 7pm, you knew where I was. 

I was on the couch, right in front of TV, watching this game show that I love. Well, at the time I decided to give up TV Amy Schneider was on a winning streak. 

On day one of my TV fast, I felt resolved. I knew I wanted to get my book done. And giving up that night's Jeopardy was just a price that I was going to have to pay. 

On day two, as 6:30 and then 6:45 and then seven rolled around, I started getting an urge to leave my computer and settle in on the couch. In fact, from my writing desk, I could see the black TV screen. And I sort of felt like I was waving goodbye to a friend.

But I just got refocused on my resolve, get my book done. On day three, as I watched the clock turn to seven, and then 7:05 and 7:10, I got that feeling that I would describe as mild anxiety. It's the kind of feeling I get when I'm stuck in traffic, I know I'm going to be late, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

On day four, I felt my heart start to race at seven. It felt like the world was coming to an end. I must watch Amy compete. 

I knew that I could immediately feel better by just going over, grabbing the TV remote, and turning Jeopardy on. Well, after about a week, it got easier to not watch Jeopardy. One thing that made it easier is that I found something else to do at seven. 

I decided that at 7pm, my neighbor and I would get out and take our dogs for a walk. Still, as I was putting the leash on my dog, I would still feel the anxiety. I felt a strong urge to just go in and turn on the TV. 

Now, I observed my experience of breaking my Jeopardy habit with interest. It wasn't like I was giving up cigarettes or alcohol or heroin. I was not in physiologic withdrawal. 

Still, it felt like I was. In fact, for the first week, it almost felt like not watching Jeopardy was putting me in danger.

My reptile brain was activated, getting ready to fight or flee or freeze. 

So, what are habits about, and why are they so hard to break? Well, let's get back to the idea that we really have three brains in one, and I'll link to a podcast episode about how our brains work. The idea is that we have three parts of our brain which were developed for success during our ancestors. Our paleo brain, where we spend most of our time, is like the main floor of the house. 

This is where our thinking supported the success of our paleolithic, cave-dwelling, hunter-gatherer ancestors. So, our lives were pretty simple back then. Our actions were guided by two desires to seek pleasure and avoid pain. 

Now, our food supply was uncertain, and brain requires high amounts of energy to function, and it turns out that learning new things and making choices are energetically costly. So, the brain devised a way of conserving energy. It takes tasks that we perform regularly and automates them. 

It creates habits and patterns.

So, just think about how hard it was to make a left turn when you were learning to drive. With practice, it got easier. 

Now, you may not even consider the left turns you make on your way to work. It's completely automated, and you can start thinking about different things when you're driving to work. Now, your brain is most concerned with a single question. 

In this moment in time, am I safe or am I in danger? Now, part of the way the brain identifies when we're in danger is looking for a disruption of a pattern. You know, let's say during our hunter-gatherer days, you know, there were patterns of shadows, and if there was an abnormality in the pattern we expected, that could be the shadow of a saber-toothed tiger.

So, we're very keyed into patterns, and when patterns are disrupted, our brain thinks that we're in danger. 

So, I had a habit of watching Jeopardy at 7 p.m. When I was not doing that, my brain delivered these urges. Come on, let's get with it. Let's do the pattern that we know to be safe. 

As I resisted giving in to the urge, the urge got louder, and then finally over the time, my brain decided this is danger. It started my heart going faster to prepare me to run, and I felt like this truly was something life-threatening.

Your brain is concerned with a single question. 

At this place, in this moment in time, are you safe or are you in danger? Now, our brain looks for patterns. So, if you're walking outside, you might expect the sun to cast certain shadows, and if the pattern is disrupted, it could be because there's a saber-toothed tiger hiding among the trees. So, when patterns are disrupted, our brains think danger. 

It prepares our body to fight, flee, or freeze. So, my pattern was to watch Jeopardy at 7 p.m. When I wasn't doing that, my body gave me an urge to watch it. Come on, let's get going with this pattern. 

When I didn't listen, the urge got louder and stronger, and over the days in which I gave up TV, I eventually got to the point where it felt like I was going to die. Like, I really did feel this danger, and this is exactly how our brains are designed to work. Everything was going right in my brain. 

The world as I knew it was not coming to an end, but it sure felt like it was. It was as if I was going through withdrawal, like I was, you know, giving up smoking or alcohol, but it wasn't. It was our body's need to be safe that drove those reactions. 

It isn't just about physiologic withdrawal when we change habits. Okay, so a habit is just a set of behaviors we do without conscious thought. You have lots of habits. 

You brush your teeth when you wake up and before you go to bed. You may have certain habits about what you eat for dinner on certain days of the week. Steve Jobs had the habit of dressing the same way every day, so he didn't have to invest energy making clothing choices. 

So, some habits serve you. They support your success in life. Other habits, though, get in your way, and these are often the habits that we resolve to break as we celebrate the new year. 

So, someone with OCD learns that compulsions offer quick relief from the anxiety triggered by the obsessions. Over time, though, the compulsions become habit. So, now when somebody with OCD resists the urge to perform a compulsion, it's really a double whammy for them. 

First, they feel the anxiety that would have been relieved with the compulsion, but now the act of breaking the pattern of doing the compulsion becomes another source of anxiety. So, every time the people that we love engage in the evidence-based therapy that we know to be the one that's most helpful, exposure and response prevention, we are really inviting them to just lean into the urges, lean into the anxiety, and not respond to them. So, over time, new habits become the normal, right? So, we replace an old habit with a new habit. 

All right, so this is some insight about why habits are so hard to break. In order to break habits, we must be able to think on purpose, feel on purpose, and act on purpose. We need a thought about why we want to give up a habit. 

For me, I gave up TV because I wanted my time back. People change their eating habits or social habits or exercise habits to live a fuller and healthier life. The why, the thought about this is why I'm doing it, helps you move towards something that you do want. 

Sometimes the desire to move away from something you don't want can be equally compelling. So, we think on purpose, then we feel on purpose. We know ahead of time that when we break habits, our bodies will deliver this urge to follow the pattern. 

And this urge is going to get bigger over time for about the first week or so. All right, an urge is just a sensation in our bodies. When our reptile brain sounds the danger alarm, and we have this anxiety, and we feel our heart racing, that's just our body doing what it's designed to do. 

However, and this is the important point, we can feel the urge. We can feel the sense of doom. We can feel the anxiety and just witness it. 

We can say, oh, I'm feeling anxiety because my reptile brain thinks I'm in danger. I am safe. And know that if you don't respond to an urge, it will go away. 

So, then we act on purpose. We decide in advance the actions that we will take and will not take when we have certain feelings. And the best way to break an old habit is to replace it with a new, healthier one. 

So, learning how to feel sensations in your body and making conscious choices about your actions is a general life skill that also makes it easier to manage OCD. So, that's what I've got for you today. Now you understand why habits are so compelling in our life, why they are so hard to break, and some tips for how you can do it.

Think on purpose. Decide why you want to change that habit, what you want in life. Second, feel on purpose. 

Be able to feel that urge, the anxiety, without giving in to this urge to respond to it. And third, act on purpose. Decide what you are going to do when you feel these urges. 

So, I want to thank you for stopping by. I hope that you found value in this episode. If so, please feel welcome to pass this episode along to others who could benefit. 

And if nobody told you yet today, I admire your courage. Managing OCD may be the single biggest challenge I've ever faced. You've got this. 

See you next episode.