Who is the True You?

I was listening to Neil deGrasse Tyson reflect on the scientific method and his thinking process. He said something that made me listen a second time. He said, “Do whatever it takes to make sure you are not fooled into thinking something is true that is not, or that something is not true when it is.”

This leads to the question, what is the truth of who you are? Who is the TrueYou? That’s what we will explore today.

Let’s kick this off with a story.

When my son was in high school, he wanted to jump into an honors math track. To get there, he needed his current math teacher to sign off on it. According to my son, his teacher said no. I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly what she said. However, the message that my son received was, “You’re not good enough or smart enough.”

Teachers and coaches hold a position of authority and power. I could imagine that there are students who say, “If my teacher says this is who I am, she must be right.”

Not my son! He knew that he was somebody who was good at math. That’s his identity. The teacher’s failure to see it made him very angry. He thought, “I’ll show her!”  As a high school junior, he enrolled in a  summer calculus class at the University of Washington. He got an A. Together we visited that teacher. My son showed her the A on his transcript, and said, “You were wrong about me. You made a mistake by not letting me not the honors math.” 

I said, “You are in a powerful position. You projected  my son’s limitations without having experience or evidence that he tried something and failed.”

The teacher got defensive. She said, “You have that wrong. I was just trying to protect him. I didn’t want to set him up for failure.”

I pointed out that first, she was wrong. His college performance proved that. Second, whether he performed well or he struggled, he would learn more about himself.”

By the time we arrive into adulthood, we have heard other people tell us things about ourselves. Sometimes it’s helpful. They point out gifts. “You have a real eye for color” “You are such a kind person” “You have a beautiful singing voice.”

Sometimes it’s not true. You may remember a noteworthy American Idol audition. William Hung was a civil engineering major who wanted to pursue a singing career. He had won a singing competition at UC Berkeley where he was a student. Before the music started William told the judges he knew he was not the best singer, but he could be the next American Idol because he sings from the heart. He sang his version of Ricky Martin’s She Bangs. Simon Cowell did not sugar-coat his feedback, saying, “Everything about it was grotesque. You can't sing, you can't dance, so what are you going to say?" William shot back, “I gave it my best. I have no regrets.” He went on to appear on Entertainment Tonight, The Ellen Show and Jay Leno. He got a record contact. He held onto his identity, “I’m a person who sings from my heart.” It worked for him—for a while. After a bit, his show business slowed down and he went on to become a math teacher.

Sometimes our identity is formed as we try to make sense of our interactions with the world. No one tells us; we just use our reasoning skills and create what a scientist would call hypothesis. We accept that as the truth of who we are. 

We often get it wrong.

The people who are likely to get it very wrong are people navigating the neurotypical world with a neurodivergent brain. 

They develop identities early.

There’s something wrong with me.

No one will be my friend.

I’m broken.

They’re fooled into thinking something is true that is not.

What’s the truth of who we/they are. 

We all have brains that do something very well.

We all have environments in which we thrive.

We can find ourselves in situations in which there’s a mismatch. It’s just not a good fit. 

And we can own all of it without judgment.

When I was in medical school there was a woman who had a chemical sensitivity to printing ink. She had to put her text books under glass. She told the truth of who she is. She’s a person with chemical sensitivity. Some people snickered. She didn’t care. She would continue to engage in self-care practices.

What if we all of us could act more like this wonderful woman. Someone with OCD could say, “My brain offers nonsense thoughts. And I’m learning to managing it.” Or, “My nervous system gets dys-regulated when I’m in noisy places, so I wear headphones.”

Even neurotypical adults hold an identity of not being good enough, or smart enough, or thin enough. 

When we have the experience that it’s not safe to show up as our true selves, we go into hiding. Jayme Kern Lima, the author of Worth says, “We send our representative who fits in better.” And there’s a cost to that. The truth of who we are gets lost under the mask.

So I invite you to consider, what is the truth of who you are? What lies have you accepted as true? Take out a piece of paper and write down the identities. Then step back and ask, “Is this a message you would deliver to a vulnerable child?”

Then replace the lies with the truth. Your intuition leads you to the truth.

Imagine a world in which every person is celebrated who they are. We’re moving in that direction. 

I’m a big gardener. I’ll find a plant I really love. But if I put a sun-loving plant in the shade, or a shade loving plant in the sun, they won’t do well. Part of our truth is an understanding of the conditions in which we thrive. We wouldn’t judge ourselves any more than I would judge a plant for being sun-loving. It’s just the truth of who we are.

My son knows who he is. When people get him wrong, sometimes he still likes proving them wrong. More frequently, though, he understands that a person’s opinion about him says much more about the other person than the truth of who he is.

Be the TrueYou.

That’s what I have for you today.

Let me leave you with a final thought.

Many families touched by OCD feel alone in their struggles. 

If you found this information helpful, please feel welcome to share it with friends and family and communities in which you participate. 

Let’s get the message out there that people struggling with OCD are not alone. There is is hope. 

Thank you again for your investment in your family and yourself. You got this!