Common Feelings about OCD--and How to Manage Them

Hello, Friends. When you or someone you love is diagnosed with OCD, it’s like OCD becomes your new uninvited and unwelcomed family member.  Today I would like to share with you some of the common feelings that accompany OCD visitation. I’ll also share some ideas about how to manage them so they serve you—and not harm you.

As always, let’s begin our conversation with a story. Today I’ll share with you the many feelings I experienced as the mother of a child diagnosed with OCD. I also want to assure you that I have my son’s permission to the story of how he came to be diagnosed with OCD, and the twisted path to treatment.

A decade ago, when my son was in high school, he was passionate about sports. He wrestled and played across. When he was about 16, he got a back injury. He took a break from wrestling as he went through rounds of physical therapy. Then he tried to wrestle through the pain, but ultimately decided to give up his dream of winning at the state level of competition.

I saw some behavioral changes, but I chalked those up to the health challenges. One day he told me about this “voice in his head” telling him to do things. I was concerned enough to call his pediatrician, who reassured me that there was nothing to worry about.

My son left for college, and I noticed some strange things. 

One day he called me me in a state of crisis. He said, “I borrowed a friend’s car to help another friend move, and something really bad happened.” 

I asked, “Were you in an accident? Is everyone okay?” 

He assured me that no one needed medical care. However, he thought someone scratched the car in the parking lot when he wasn’t there. What should he do? 

I asked him to send me a picture of the car. I saw a scratched up beater. I asked my son again what happened. He said he just had a feeling that he did something wrong—maybe parked in the wrong spot—and the car was scratched. 

I reassured him that he did nothing wrong, and there was no obvious damage. I told him that the scratch he was concerned about did not look new.

He made several calls to me for reassurance. While I advised against it, he confessed to the car owner. I wondered what the car owner thought when my son confessed.

Several weeks later he called me after he got his first midterm returned. He said, “The professor made a mistake in the scoring.” I said,” Oh that’s easy. Just make an appoitment with the professor and ask why you lost points.” My son said, “No. that’s not the problem. My professor gave me too many points.” We had lots of phone calls about his worries that he was cheating. 

He felt a need to confess when he was not 100% honest in social conversations. He would say things like, “I told you about the trip I took. I might have exaggerate and I just want to clairfy.” 

He would regularly call me and offer apologies. “Hey I was thinking about middle school. I’m sorry I didn’t do the things you asked me to do.” 

Around Thanksgiving he called me because he sent a friend a text hours ago and had not heard from him. He wanted my opinion about whether he said anything mean or offensive.  It turns out his friend was on and airplane at the time. He texted after he landed. 

I started getting a tight feeling in my gut when my son wrestled with this inner conflict about who he was, and how he interacted with others. I knew he could spend hours ruminating about his reputation.

Something was happening. I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was. He didn’t seem depressed. He didn’t seem to have anxiety or even ADHD—something I managed myself.

I was worried. I also knew I tended to overreact, so I tried to reassure myself that he was just mastering social skills he would have learned had he grown up with brothers and sisters.

Then one day my son casually mentioned that he avoided a bridge on campus becuase he said that every time he goes over the bridge he thinks about jumping. He said it with the same casual tone he used when he told me that he avoids a certain store because the lines are too long. 

I was in a state of panic. I asked my son if he had plans to end his life, and he assured me he did not. I made a plan to pick him up so he would be safe. Once he was with me, I made a plan for him to get a compete neuropsychiatric exam.

On the basis of a pet scan, his doctors made the diagnosis of OCD.

I had a flood of feelings. The first was relief. This thing is real and it has a name. 

I felt hopeful. Now that my son had a diagnosis, there was treatment.

I also had embarrassment and guilt and shame. What kind of mother and doctor was I that my son had been struggling for years, and I never considered the diagnosis of OCD.

I was determined to do everything in my power to help my son. I bought books on OCD. I watched videos. I researched OCD resources on campus. There was a medical school on campus, and the web site said that OCD was a research interest. 

I learned what you most likely already know. OCD is a condition in which for some unknown reason, the brain generates unwanted, deeply disturbing thoughts or images. These are the obsessions in OCD.

The obsessions trigger high levels of uncomfortable feelings—usually anxiety or digust.

Over time people with OCD learn that they can get temporary relief from these feelings by taking actions known as compulsions. 

The problem is that each cycle of obsessions and compulsions made it easier for the next cycle and the cycles after that. These cycles can consume hours each day.

There are different themes of the obsessions. Contamination and ordering are the most common themes, and my son’s brain never went there. Harm is another theme. When my son told me he thoughts about jumping off the bridge, what he really meant was that his OCD monster offered him the thought.

My son’s son primary theme was moral OCD. That means that his OCD monster offered thoughts that he was not a good person. He would believe the OCD monster’s suggestion that he was cheating or lying or being a bad person. His compulsions included calling me for reassurances, or making apologies. He would spend hours each day with his obsessions and compulsions. He would vow off dating because it triggered so many obsessions. 

We all understand how precious our reputation is. You might feel uncomfortable being around someone who has falsely accused you of one crime or another. Now imagine this mean person was with you everyday pointing out lapses in your character.  

My son started letting me know the true impact OCD had on his life. We had a suicide contract, but he told me that he did not know how much more of this pain he could take.

By that time he had been to three therapists, and none offered treatment that made things better. In fact, all three made them worse.

One therapist who did not understand harm OCD interpreted by son’s obsession about jumping off the bridge as plan to end his life. She diagnosed and tried to treat the depression he did not have.  

One therapist offered treatment that works with somebody with an anxiety disorders. While anxiety is part of the OCD picture, the treatment for anxiety often makes OCD worse.

The very organization that diagnosed my son’s OCD prescribed medication that didn’t work. Further, they failed to offer ERP, the one OCD evidence-based treatment I finally learned about through NOCD.

As the months unfolded, it was clear that OCD was the most poorly understood medical condition I have ever seen. 

Without a therapist or healthcare professional who  understood the unique challenges of OCD, I was my son’s first responder and coach when he was in crisis. My son and I would spend hours on the phone when he was in the grips of OCD.

The problem was that I was not equipped to deal with this. I didn’t know what to do! In fact, in retrospect I was making OCD worse. I tried to reason with the OCD monster. This is like trying to negotiate with a terrorist. 

I was scared. I was worried about what my son's future would look like. I grieved the loss of my vision of a healthy child launching into limitless adult possibilities.  

In my fantasy world, my son would find the perfect therapist who could coach me. 

My son and I would go through cycles. He would call me in crisis. I would do my best with crisis intervention, and ended the call by extracting a promise that my son would make calls looking for a therapist.

But by the time morning came around, my son was convinced there was nothing wrong. He wouldn’t make the promised calls. This whole OCD thing was just made up.

I was angry that OCD was so misunderstood by so many health care professionals. I was frustrated that I could not find coaching for parents like myself. We were our kids’ first responders. Yes, there were resources for parents of very young kids with OCD, but my son was an adult in the eyes of the law. 

I felt alone and defeated. I also knew I would do anything I could to help me son.

Some of my physicians friends were certified life coaches. The goal of life coaching is to learn more about how you brain works, and actively manage your brain.

Out of desperation, I enrolled in the life coach certification program. At least I would be better equipped to coach my son through the hours of crisis.

The skills and tools I learned as a life coach transformed my life. I understood how human brains work. This shifted my relationship with myself and with my son. I understood OCD in a new way.

I’m pleased to report that my son is really mastering the skills to manage his own brain.

I’m feeling optimistic about my son’s future. I usually go to bed at night knowing that I am doing my very best to support my son in ways that are most helpful.

I told you about all the feelings I experiences over the past decade. You might have experienced some of these yourself

• Relief
• Hopefulness and hopeless
• Anger and fear
• Sadness and grief
• Disbelief, denial and defeat
• Embarrassment, guilt and shame
• Worries about the future
• Regret
• Isolation
• Dread
• Overwhelm
• Confusion

All of these feeling are common. If you’ve had any or all of them, you are normal.

Here is the major lesson I learned as I became a certified life coach.

You may think that your circumstances—the diagnosis of OCD—cause your feelings.

When we face circumstances we don’t like, we have a human tendency to rebel. 

“It’s not fair. My child shouldn’t have to deal with OCD.”

“The doctor is wrong.”

“There must be a mistake.”

“My child eats healthy, organic foods. This can’t be.”

I’m going to suggest to you that your thoughts about your circumstances—not the circumstances themselves —create your feelings.

Then your feeling create your actions.

And your actions contribute to your results.

Sometimes the thoughts that lead to your feelings are below the level of conscious thought. That’s why it seems like your circumstances create your feelings,

You cannot control your circumstances. If OCD is in your life, it’s in your life. It’s a chronic condition that can be managed, sort of like diabetes.

However, you can control everything else. You can control your thoughts which control your feelings that shape your action that create the results you experience.

Some thoughts help you be freed from OCD; others thoughts keep you imprisoned by OCD.

Managing OCD is hard. It might be the single biggest challenge in your life. Some thoughts make it easier for you to be freed from OCD; other thoughts give more power to OCD.

Doesn’t it make sense to choose your thoughts more strategically.  

How do you do that? 

As a life coach, I’ve learned a self-coaching tool to manage my brain and make consious choices about my thoughts. We call it the Freedom Formula—or The Formula for short.

Here’s what I do on a daily basis. I identify a place in my life in which I’m feeling stuck. Then I write down the conversation I’m already having in my head. 

Once it’s down on paper, I untangle the story. I pluck out one thought or feeling to explore.

Let me give you an example.

Early on, I had many days when I struggled with guilt and shame.

The conversation in my head might be, “I’m such a bad mom and a bad doctor. My son told me about a voice in his head telling him what to do back in high school. A good mom would have seen this for what it was—the earliest clue about OCD. It took four more years of suffering before the diagnosis was made.”

My brain wants me to believe I’ve just described the factual circumstances. 

However, once it’s down on paper I can separate the circumstances from my thoughts.

The circumstances are observable facts upon which we can all agree. 

Here are the real circumstances, 

“When my son was in high school, he told me about hearing a voice in his head telling him to do a specific thing. I shared this with his pediatrician, who reassured me that my son was most likely witnessing his brain in a new way. In retrospect, this may or may not have been a clue about my son’s OCD diagnosis made four years later.”

I decided to explore the thought, “I’m a bad mom.”

When I think, “I’m a bad mom” I feel guilt.

When I feel guilt, I usually withdraw. I don’t explore resources. I disengage for my son.

I’m not doing the thing that dedicated mothers do to help their kids. 

The thought, “I’m a bad mom” creates the experience of being what my brain defines as a bad mom.

The thought, “I’m a bad mom.” is not a fact. No one would convict me in court of being a bad mom.

This thought is optional. I could choice to practice and believe a different thought, “I’m a devoted mom who will do everything in her power to help her son.” 

When I think that thought, I feel hopeful and determined.

With those feeling, I keep going until I find something that works.

The result I can go to bed at night knowing that I did everything I could help help my son.”

Simply choosing and challenging a thought can radically transforn the experience of going about your days, and getting results in your life.

Let me show you an example of how this coaching tool helped my son.

My son has a goal of deadlifting 600 lbs. He’s hired a coach and has a workout plan.

A few times in one week, my son told me, “I’m getting weaker.” He believed he was telling me the facts.

We built out a model.

I asked him to describe the objective circumstances. Specifically, what happened.

Last week he did four repetitions of 500 lbs. This week he could do four repetitions of a max weight of 450 lbs.

His thought was “I’m getting weaker."

When he thinks this thought, he feels defeated. 

When he’s feeling defeated, he’s less likely to push his body to go beyond what his brain believes is his limit.

The result is that his max weight goes down.

We know that high performance athletes visualize success. My son had spent a week visualizing failure. 

He agreed to swap the thought, “I’m getting weaker” to “I’m on my way to my 600 lb lift.”

He agreed to practice this thought for a week.

He was able to improve his numbers!

Then I got curious. I asked my son what was different that week. Was he cutting back on his sleep? Was he skipping meals? Was he dehydrated? 

Then my son made the confession. His OCD Monster told my son at the end of his workouts, “You cheated on your repetitions.” That was his circumstance. 

My son’s thought was, “I’m not a cheater. I’ll show you!” 

He was angry and determined. He would dread his workouts.

He trained every day that week. He did all of his assigned repetitions twice. He stressed his muscles well beyond the protocol, and deprived his muscles of recovery time. 

No wonder his max weigh went down! 

You might notice that my son was very concerned that he was getting weaker. Yet, he never mentioned his OCD Monster’s accusation of cheating. This obsession was keeping him from getting what he wanted, but it wasn’t part of the conversation about getting what he wanted. 

The presence of obsessions is a circumstance. My son will most likely always will have the OCD Monster offering bullying mean thoughts.

However, everything else is optional. My son can choose the thoughts he has when the obsessions pop into his head.

The week before, he took the bait from his OCD Monster. He gave his power to the OCD monster. 

We discussed other choices.

He choose a different thought he would practice when his OCD Monster accused him of cheating.

He would think, “I’m listening to my coach who tells me to NOT overtrain.” 

It’s not easy to say no to the OCD monster. The OCD monster will take it up a knotch. “CHEATER! It doesn’t matter if you cheat. You’ll never get to a 600 lb deadlift anyway.”

My son anticipated the anxiety he would feel when he defied the OCD Monster. He knew he would feel a strong urge to give in. He also knew that he could live through the anxiety.

He decided in advance that he would feel the anxiety, resist the urge and follow the protocol .

He followed his workout protocol. As a result, he got back on track with his training.

Just to be clear, this self-coaching model is not a substitute for therapy. It’s an adjunct that can help you understand your brain more effectively, treat yourself with moce compassion and make it more likley you’re able to get ther results you want.

So, to summarize:

You may have many different feelings about OCD. These are all normal human reactions. 

Your thoughts about your OCD—not the presence of OCD —create your feelings.

You will have a natural human desire to fight against unwanted circumstances. However, your circumstances are outside of your control. Radical acceptance is the best path toward being freed from OCD.

You can choose and practice the thoughts that create the feelings that inspire the action to get the results you want.

I’ve had many days when I fought against OCD. I had thoughts like “OCD is a curse.” I’ve never had anything good come from that thought.

So, I intentionally choose a different thought. “OCD is a blessing.” The skills that contribute to managing OCD—witnessing and choosing your thoughts, feeling your feeling and resisting urges—  are the life skills that support success in life.

Part of the value of being a member of the OCD Haven is that we offer coaching for your own thought work. Sometimes you get stuck because the thing you need to see is hidden in your blind spot. Someone else can shine a light there.

Let me leave you with a final thought.

Many families touched by OCD feel alone in their struggles. 

If you found this information helpful, please feel welcome to share it with friends and family and communities in which you participate. 

Let’s get the message out there that people struggling with OCD are not alone. There is is hope. 

Thank you again for your investment in your family and yourself. You got this!