OCD's #1 Question: "Am I safe, am I in danger or am I gonna die?

Einstein is reported to have said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or a hostile universe.” 

OCD shifts your beliefs about your safety and your danger. And that changes your life. 

Let’s say there’s a reality show in which you’re dropped on one of two islands.

The first island is Einstein’s safe, friendly place. All the inhabitants are there to support you. You have the resources to do the things you want to do. You feel safe all the time.

The second island is Einstein’s dangerous hostile place. All the inhabitants are there to hunt you. There are no places to hide. You feel unsafe all the time.

Imagine how much differently your days would unfold in these two places. Think about how much differently you would show up. You would think different thoughts. You would spend your time in different ways. You would treat people differently. You would have a different sense of your ability to control your life.

Living with unmanaged OCD is like being dropped onto the danger-filled island. Your brain regularly delivers messages saying, “Watch out for this threat!”

But what if you knew and believed that the hunters on the hostile island only carried cap guns. They look and sound like real guns, but they pose absolutely no threat. What if you had access to a map that shows you safe places. Your experience on the island would be totally different because you felt safer. 

Managing OCD is an exercise about shifting your perception of the real threats you face. You can spend more time living as if you were on Einstein’s friendly island.

In this podcast episode, I would like to explore our human response to danger and safety.  Then I would like to  offer some tips that will help you  to spend less time feeling unsafe and more time feeling safe. You can do to the link below to download the worksheet How to Avoid the Dangers of the Danger Response and Seek Safety More Safely.

As always, let’s dive in with a story.

Barry is a 50-year old man who lives with his wife and three children. Barry and his eldest 22-year-old daughter Summer share a special closeness ; they both carry the diagnosis of OCD.

Barry said to me, “Summer was doing great when she left home to go to college. She put in the work and courageously got out there doing scary things. 

“When the pandemic hit, she really struggled. She moved back home. As we say in the family, she was spending more and more time in OCD-land. She rarely did her ERP work. She spent more time time doing her compulsions. She even started having panic attacks when she was alone in the house.

Barry explained that all of her life Summer had begged  for a dog. During the pandemic, his wife relented and took Summer to the pound to adopt a black lab. Summer named him Black Panther—or BP for short.

That dog was a god-sent for Summer. They were always together. Summer was smiling again. She left the house at least twice a day to walk the dog. She did a much better job managing her obsessions and compulsions. The panic attacks stopped.

How and why did Summer’s ability to manage her OCD  get worse during the pandemic and then get better when BP entered her life?

Here’s my hypothesis: Summer’s ability to manage her OCD hinges on how safe she feels.

Let me say that again. Your ability to manage your brain and get on with your life depends on whether you feel safe or you feel unsafe.

The pandemic shook our sense of safety. How often did you think, “This is more than I can handle.”? When you think that thought, you feel unsafe. When you feel unsafe, you have less power over OCD. No wonder Summer struggled during the pandemic. 

I’d like to suggest that Summer’s dog enhanced her sense of safety. Her brain performed better.  Then she had more power over her OCD.  

I know a woman who, in  partnership with her dog, volunteers at a program that helps kids catch up on their reading skills. Someone noticed that some kids make better progress with their reading with a dog at their side. 

Dogs can help us tap into that “I got this” feeling. It improves our performance. 

I’m not suggesting you run out and adopt a dog to help manage OCD. 

However, I am suggesting you identify the circumstances that lead you to say, “I’m in over my head.”

I’m suggesting that you make investments in things that lead you to say, “I got this.” and promote your sense of safety.

The safer you feel, the more power you have over OCD. You can manage your brain more effectively to get the life you want. 

This begs a few questions I‘ll address in this podcast.

How and why are we better versions of ourselves when we feel safe than when we’re feeling unsafe?

What makes us feel safe—and feel unsafe?

How do you spend more of your time feeling safer and living in Einstein’s friendly universe?

The Human Brain and the Biology of Safety

Our brains have genius-level skills for detecting danger and getting back to safety. 

These brain circuits evolved over millions of years. It gave us a survival advantage 300,000 years ago when we were both predators and prey.

Today we’re the apex predator on the planet. Still we can face immediate threats to our lives.

If you’re driving and an erratic driver tries to enter your lane, you may automatically swerve to avoid a crash. After you’re safe in your lane you might notice that your heart is racing.

You have instincts about the safety of people around you. As I waited to board my flight back home after a speaking engagement, a man who attended the conference approached me. He gave me a compliment and asked if I wanted a ride home. I got a chill in my spine. My body was shouting NO. My brain tried to override my body, telling me this man could be trusted because we were both part of this small professional community. I accepted his invitation. During the airplane ride, I decided to listen to my body and decline the offered ride. I would rather risk embarrassment than risk my physical safety.

You may find yourself responding to danger without thinking a single word. You have a sense. You have a feeling in your body.

When our brains detect threats, it sounds the danger alarm. The autonomic nervous system turns on the danger response. It prepares the body to flee, fight or freeze. Everything else gets put on hold until we’ve escaped the predator and get back to safety.

There can be a difference between being unsafe and feeling unsafe. 

In the movie Rain Man, Charlie Babbitt’s brother Raymond refused to fly because of his encyclopedic knowledge of all plane crashes. 

If Raymond simply made transportation choices on the basis of the absolute risk of death, he would not have gotten in the car. Driving is statistically more dangerous than flying. 

However, when Ray says, “I’m an excellent driver”, we learn that he drove his father’s car in the driveway when he was a child. He feels safe in the car.

The body sounds the danger alarm whenever there is any question about safety.

Once the danger alarm is sounded, your body prepares to fight, flee or freeze.

The easiest way to see the orchestrated brain-body danger response is to witness a toddler having a temper tantrum.

You know that you must first calm down your toddler’s autonomic nervous system before you can reason with him. Sometimes you do that by helping them get the mad out. Someones you give them a time out. Sometimes you give them a time in and contain them with a strong embrace. Once their heart rate is back to normal you can reason with them.

Few adults have temper tantrums. However, our brains and bodies get hijacked in similar ways when the danger response is turned on. You are most likely to behave in cringe-worthy ways when you feel unsafe. 

The Brain of Someone with OCD

While I’m describing a normal human experience, it can be more intense for people like Barry or Summer who have OCD brain wiring. 

Someone with OCD can feel unsafe in circumstances in which neurotypical people feel safe. 

A person with OCD has a sensitive danger detector that sound false alarms more frequently. This is like a smoke alarm sounding when you boil water.

They set the bar of safety higher. In order to feel safe, they want to feel certain they are safe.

People with OCD are less likely to challenge their thoughts about threats. They think, “I have this thought, so it must be true.”

People with OCD form danger-related rituals and habits.

Cycles of obsessions and compulsions can be performed on a daily basis. They become habits.

What happens when you try to break a habit? The brain interprets a pattern disruption as evidence of danger. This sounds the danger alarm that turns on the danger response.

Let’s get back to Rain Man. For Ray, Tuesday was pancake day. They were at a restaurant, but the syrup was not on the table as it’s supposed to be. Ray was not reassured when his brother Charlie promised that the syrup would be there when he was ready to eat the pancakes. You could see Ray’s panic. Something was really wrong for Ray, and it was a really big deal. 

Just as an aside, no matter who you are are what your brain wiring is, we all share a basic human experience. 

Someone with a neurodivergent brain is just three or four standard deviations from the mean. 

You might not be on the spectrum or carry a diagnosis or ADHD or OCD; however, I bet you can remember a time when you felt ill-at-ease—or even panicky when a habit is broken.

OCD is like the AIDS of neurodiverse brain conditions.

Why is AIDS such a deadly virus? It’s because the virus attacks the very cells in the immune system that rid the body of infection.

Feeling unsafe is woven into the fabric of OCD. AND feeling unsafe makes it harder to manage OCD. It’s a chicken and egg problem. 

AIDS and OCD share something else. They are both treatable. With the right intervention, you can go on to live full, productive lives.

How do you disrupt the OCD chicken-and egg puzzle?

The first step is distinguishing between the things you control and the things you cannot control.

You cannot control the thoughts that pop into your head.   

You cannot control whether or not the brain sounds the danger alarm.

Your cannot prevent the body’s danger response once the danger alarm is sounded. Your autonomic nervous system prepares your body to flee, fight or freeze.

These ancient brain circuits evolved over millions of years; they’re on auto-pilot. 

This does not mean that you are destined to be a victim of your danger response. 

There are many ways you have control.

You have control over your ability to witness your thoughts, and decide whether to swipe right or swipe left. 

You have control over your ability to witness your body in the danger response and tell a different story about what’s happening by saying, “My body is responding to a perceived threat which may either be real or a false alarm.”

You can develop the skill of calming down or revving up your autonomic nervous system so that you return to the physiology of safety. Deep breathing is highly effective, cheap and always available.

You can treat your brain as the learning machine it is. Through repetition, we can come to understand that certain situations previously believed to be dangerous can be recategorized as safe. 

Let’s say HaI believes that drinking orange juice from a open container could lead to his death. He avoids drinking it. He doesn’t like being at the kitchen table when there’s open organize juice. He gets anxious when a mental picture of open orange juice container pops into his head. 

In essence ERP—Exposure and Response Avoidance-is an exercise in reeducating the brain. Hal might begin by being in the same room as an open container of orange juice. At first this may lead to high levels of anxiety. After repetitions he doesn’t get a racing heart any more. Then he might touch the container of orange juice and see he doesn’t die. Then after a few repetition he pours the orange juice into the glass. If he continues the work, he’ll be drinking orange juice. 

This process offers the brain evidence, “See, this is safe.” The same circumstanced are less likely to sound the danger alarm. 

Here are some action steps to help you avoid the dangers of the danger response and seek safety more safely. You can go to the link in the notes to download the Safety Survey.

First I’ll talk about body-based interventions, and then I’ll offer brain-based interventions.

First, let’s address body-based interventions.

Start paying attention to your body. At any moment, what sensations are coursing through your body? 

Identify clues that your danger response is flipped on. Do you feel your heart beating faster or your palms sweating? Do you have a sense of dread or doom? Do you become irritable or overwhelmed? 

Relabel the Danger Response When you find your body’s physiology shifting to the danger response, you might say,“I feel anxious.” Instead, say, “My heart is pounding and my palms are sweaty. My body thinks I’m in danger. ”

Explore ways you can proactively decrease the risk of your body going into the danger response.

Get curious about the connection between being hungry to thirsty or tired on your danger response. Is your OCD easier to manage when you eat healthfully, exercise regularly and get adequate rest? 

I invite you to watch Amy Cuddy’s TED talk “Your body language shapes who you are.” She points out that our thoughts and feelings inform our body language; however, she has clinical evidence that our body language informs our thoughts and feeling. You can feel more powerful by intentionally expanding your body. Try the experiment she suggests of assuming the Wonder Woman power pose for 2 minutes. Does it have any impact on your OCD?

Make a list of things you can do to shift your autonomic nervous system back into the zone of safety Maybe it’s deep breathing or moving your body or screaming. As you practice, you will get better at it.

You might find there’s nothing you can do to shift out of the danger response. This is the definition of trauma. 

When I asked Barry to describe Summer’s panic attacks, here’s what he told me. When she was very young, the family came home to find that they were robbed. The robber took a gold necklace Summer’s grandmother gave her. Her grandmother died tragically and alone of COVID early in the pandemic. 

Could Summer’s panic attacks be a trauma response to the either robbery or her grandmother’s death or both? 

If so, specific therapeutic interventions can heal PTSD.I’ll leave a link to my podcast episode about trauma.

Next, let’s address brain-based interventions.

Start paying attention to your brain. 

Explore the question, “What circumstances make me feel unsafe?”

Each individual has a unique set of circumstances that make then feel unsafe.

Diane says she feels unsafe if her pantry isn’t fully stocked.

Diane says her husband freaks out whenever they need to spend money on car or home maintenance.

Some people feel their hearts race when they think about meeting new people or driving to a new destination or giving a talk.

Once you understand the specific triggers that lead you to feel unsafe, you can make a plan. 

Diane talks about the day she discovered she was out of canned tomatoes. Her body went into full flight mode.  Then she did some self coaching. She put her hand over her heart and said, “My body flipped on my danger response. I got this. I’ll just walk to the store and buy another can.”

Further, you can avoid judging yourself. You’re not broken when your body responds to a perceived threat.

Address the real risks in any circumstances.  

When Jim lost his job during the pandemic, he was devistated. However, he went into a state of panic. He woke up at 3 AM thinking, “I’m going to be homeless.” 

I asked Jim about his financial reality. He had planned for emergencies. He had a year of savings. He had a list of ways he could earn money with 10 days.

His panic was not caused by the lack of a money management plan; objectively, Jim had a financial safety net. 

He felt unsafe because of a lack of a brain management plan.

To feel safer, Jim practiced the new thought, “I prepared for emergencies. My family is safe.” 

Consciously craft your environment for safety. Be discerning about where your attention goes. How much news do you want to expose yourself to? How much time do you want to spend on social media? How safe do you feel with the people in your life?

Have your own back when you respond to false danger alarms as if they were real.

Someone with OCD may give into compulsions. Don’t beat up on yourself. Instead, put your hand over your heart and say, “How human of me. I’ll do better next time.”

Explore the question, “What thoughts make me feel unsafe?”

Your feelings of safety and danger come from your thoughts. Here are some thoughts that you may or may not pass through your conscious mind. 

“It’s unsafe to feel certain feelings.” 

People with OCD come to fear their anxiety triggered by their obsessions. They have the thought that anxiety itself is dangerous. 

Here’s how to promote a sense of safety. Give yourself permission to name and feel your feelings. 

The best OCD therapeutic intervention—ERP—is an exercise of allowing yourself to feel the anxiety wash over you, and see it goes away on its own.

When you know that you can live through any feeling that comes your way, you live more courageously. 

“It’s unsafe to think certain thoughts.” 

People with OCD want their obsessive thoughts go away. They believe that the simple presence of a thought represents danger.

You’ve heard teachers say, “There’s no such thing as a dumb question.” 

Your human brain would like to believe “There’s no such thing as a dumb thought.” 

There are dumb questions and dumb thoughts. You get to choose the questions and thoughts you give consideration.

To feel safer, remember that you have the power to swipe left or swipe right on any thought you have. You can learn to think new thoughts, like, “My brain lies all the time.”

“It’s unsafe to be alone.” 

Isolation can trigger the danger response, as it did with Summer.

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We can understand this through the lens of  evolutionary. When we were hunter-gatherers being ejected from the tribe was a death sentence.

Of course we would respond to the mandated social distancing during the pandemic as if we were facing death. 

Summer’s dog was a constant companion. She knew she was not alone.

To promote a sense of safety, identify at least one person or creature with the qualities of Summer’s dog BP. They’re excited to see you. They see the best in you, celebrate you and believe in you.

“It’s unsafe to ask for what I want.” 

You might have learned as a child that it’s dangerous to ask for what you want. Another person could get mad at you or even reject you. You could then wind up alone.

The danger of social rejection is so high that we actually have a fourth danger behavior called fawning. You abandon your own needs to serve others. You conduct yourself in a way that avoids criticism, conflict or disapproval. You try to control someone else. 

People-pleasing is a form of fawning. It arises from a lack of personal power. It’s a way of making an unsafe situation safer.

Almost always, people-pleasing does more harm than good. 

If you want to feel safer, heal people-pleasing.

Here are some other thoughts that can turn on the danger response. 

“It’s unsafe to try new things .”

“It’s unsafe to meet new people.”

“It’s unsafe to fail.”

“It’s unsafe to love.”

“It’s unsafe to be vulnerable”

Here is a very common yet heart-breaking thought. “It’s unsafe to be me.”

Many people with neurodivergent brains—whether it’s OCD or ADHD or being on the spectrum— think that they need to hide.

The truth is that we live in a world designed for people with neurotypical brains. It’s hard to live and thrive with OCD. It’s hard to parent a child with OCD and witness their challenges.

There might be good reasons Black Panther is one of Summer’s favorite movies. T'Challa, heir to the hidden kingdom of Wakanda, must lead his people into a new future. He faces the existential questions about whether it’s safe to allow the world to know about the powers of Vibranium. 

What if each way you or your child is different is like their Vibranium? Every way you or your child is challenged or threatened offer clues about their power.

Our goal is finding places in which it’s safe to be who you are. This is the reason I formed the OCD haven. It’s a safe place to learn about what it means to have OCD brain wiring, what it means to love or parent or teach someone with OCD.

You can decide TODAY that you will craft your life so you’re spending more time in Einstein’s friendly world.

You now have some concrete ideas about how to do it. These ideas are not meant as a substitute for the care of your therapist who knows you. In fact, bring this podcast to your therapist and decide which ideas you will act on.

Please reach out and share what interventions you will try. Let us know whether it’s making a difference.  

That’s what I have for you today.

Thank you for your listening eyes and ears.

Let me leave you with a final thought.

Many families touched by OCD feel alone in their struggles. 

If you found this information helpful, please feel welcome to share it with friends and family and communities in which you participate. 

Let’s get the message out there that people struggling with OCD are not alone. There is is hope. 

Thank you again for your investment in your family and yourself. You got this!