What to Say to Your Child Instead of Engaging in Power Struggles

Would you like to have fewer family feuds and more family peace? This is third of a three part series about how to unplug from OCD power struggles with the Relationship Reboot.

This blog speaks specifically to parents of emerging adult children managing OCD. If you parent a younger child, you are welcome, too. You can modify some of these ideas so that they are appropriate for your child’s age and your family values. 

You are also welcome if you are an adult managing OCD. After all, you parent yourself! You are also welcome to send this podcast to your own parents.

If you have conflict in your family about how OCD is managed you are not alone. Power struggles are very common.

Our human brains behave in predictable ways. If there is a problem in our lives, we tend to look outside of ourself for both the cause and the solution.

In the first session we discussed what a power struggle is—it’s an effort to solve a problem by getting someone else to do things differently.

As parents, we have an understandable human tendency to do what we can to keep our children safe and healthy. 

Chances are you do anything you can to inspire or nag or cajole your child into following your OCD manual on your time schedule.

Any time you try to control the actions of others, you set the stage for a power struggle.

I shared the story of one my my clients Joan who has a  college-aged daughter Kelly recently diagnosed with OCD.

Kelly called Joan every time she has an OCD crisis, and the calls were increasing in frequency. At the end of each crisis call, Kelly agreed to look for a therapist, but weeks went by and Kelly had not made any calls. 

Joan asked me, “How can I make Kelly get a therapist?”

Joan’s request might seem very reasonable to you. Of course Kelly should get the help she needs to be freed from the tyranny of OCD. 

However, after weeks of nagging and even yelling, the only outcome was that Joan and Kelly were more distant and less connected.

How did I respond to Joan’s  request about how she could inspire Kelly to get a therapist?

I said to her, “Joan you have tried everything you know how to do, and nothing has worked. Here’s why. You are in a power struggle. You’re trying to control Kelly. The only person who can control Kelly is…Kelly.” 

I could see the disappointment on Joan’s face; this was not the answer she wanted. 

I continued, “Here’s the good news. I CAN offer a different way to help you get what you want—to know that you are doing everything in your power to help Kelly live the fullest life possible.

“We can explore what YOU can do differently to be part of the solution—no matter what Kelly or anyone else does.”

The alternative to power struggles is the Relationship Reboot. 

Joan agreed to give it a try.

The first stage in the Relationship Reboot is making peace with the idea that the only person we can control of ourselves. 

You will have urges to resolve OCD-related conflicts by asking the person with OCD to change. However, this  just sets up power struggles. And no one can win.

Even though you will be tempted to resolve conflict by influencing others, you give that up. 

In the last episode we addressed the second stage of the Relationship Rebook— managing your OWN brain and changing the relationship with yourself. This can be hard and painful work. Here are the three steps

Step #1: Own the manual Joan recognized that she has a manual in her head about how Kelly should manage OCD. When Kelly didn’t flow her manual, there was conflict. 

She came to understand that Kelly also has her own OCD manual. There’s a reason that Kelly makes the choices she does.

Joan repeated the thought, “I’m in charge of me, and Kelly’s in charge of Kelly.”

Step #2: Explore your thoughts. I asked Joan why she felt this urgency for Kelly to get into therapy. 

Joan said, “Isn’t it obvious?”

I said, “Maybe. But sometimes the REAL answer may not be as obvious as you think.”

I gently asked, “How would having a therapist in the picture help?”

Joan said, “Well, maybe when Kelly called me in crisis, I could tell her to call the therapist.” 

I asked, “Do you know any therapists who take crisis calls at 10 PM?” 

The Joan said, “Well, maybe the therapist could tell ME what to do or what to say so I wouldn’t feel so scared or alone or overwhelmed.”

Now we identified the REAL reason Joan wanted Kelly to get a therapist. It was so that she—Joan— would not feel so scared, alone and overwhelmed in helping Kelly get to the other side of OCD. 

I pointed out that Kelly didn’t need to get a therapist for Joan to feel more confident in her ability know what to say and do to be a force for healing for Kelly.

So, Joan dug in and did her own work developing the skills and tools to feel more confident in her own ability to be an effective parent.

This did not mean that Joan would be become Kelly’s stand-in therapist. It meant that she learned to harness the healing power of a loving human connection.

By the way, the OCD Haven we show people with no formal medical training what to say and what to do to help—and not harm— someone with OCD. We also have a protocol for supporting parents in crisis. We don’t offer therapy; we offer a caring human connection.

Step #3: Lean into uncomfortable feelings. Joan started explaining how painful it is to watch her daughter struggle. It cause Joan pain.

Joan acknowledged that often she wanted to hurry up and fix things for Kelly and make everyone feel better. 

Joan agreed to embrace a new thought. “It’s okay for Kelly to not be okay.” That meant being willing to lean into her OWN pain. 

The truth is that most people go to great lengths to not experience unpleasant feelings. Joan’s urgency to “fix” Kelly had to do with an urgency to not feel this pain. 

So, the second stage in the Relationship Reboot is to work on the person in the mirror. It’s about cleaning up your own side of the street. 

In an interesting twist, we are doing the work we’re asking our kids to do—witnessing and choosing helpful thoughts and leaning into difficult feelings.

The third stage in the Relationship Reboot involves managing the relationship with the other person in the power struggle differently.  

Specifically what would Joan say to Kelly? What can you say differently with your child with OCD? 

Here are the three steps for planning for the storm. 

Plan for the storm. 

If you live in a place with earthquakes or tornados or hurricanes, you plan ahead for the storm.

Power struggles usually happen in the midst of an emotional storm. 

The best time to plan for the storm is when things are calm. 

This is where we begin in three simple steps.

Step #1: Lay the Communication Foundation

At a time in which it’s calm, give your child a heads up that your parenting style is about to shift and why.

Maybe you even do it in the car.

Here’s the script Joan and I developed and Joan practiced. 

“Kelly, do you remember when you were in third grade and you didn’t want to go to school because you were being bullied? I don’t like the way your OCD Monster bullies you and tries to control you. It makes me want to protect you just like I did when you were in third grade—even thought you’re an adult now. 

“OCD scares me. I just want you to be freed of the OCD Monster

When I try to cage the OCD Monster , I turn into the OCD Police laying down the OCD law. I hate when I criticize you and nag you and even yell at you. The worst part is that it’s not working.

We spend so much time fighting the OCD Monster that I don’t connect with YOU. I miss you!”

Here is another message Joan decided to deliver to Kelly; it’s not for every parent . 

“Kelly, I owe you an apology. When I step in the role of OCD Police, it communicates that I don’t trust you to manage your brain. It’s disrespectful and I’m sorry. I am officially handing over the job or managing your brain to YOU. I will always be here as a cheerleader and a coach and  a consultant,  but I am officially stepping away from the role as your brain’s boss. I’m handing in my OCD Police badge.”

You can decide whether this would work for you and your child. 

Then you can say, “I don’t want it to be like this any more. I miss my daughter. I have some ideas about how we can change things up. Are you open to a conversation about that?”

Hopefully your child will say yes.

Even if your child is not open to a conversation, here are some important messages that you can deliver:

You don’t have to deliver all of them at once; you can pick and choose and put them in your own words.

1. I love you. No matter what happens, I will always love you and see the best in you. I’m your biggest fan. Nothing you can do will change that. No matter how you decide to manage your OCD, I’ll always love you.

2. I do NOT love your OCD Monster. He’s like the world’s worst uninvited  houseguest. Both of us would love to lock him up in a cage and throw away the key.

3. I recognize that YOU are NOT your OCD Monster. I can tell the difference between interacting with YOU and interacting with the OCD Monster—even when you cannot tell the difference yourself.

I’ve come to understand that the only one who can lock up the OCD Monster is YOU.

I believe in you. I believe you have the strength and resilience for you to learn now to manage your brain and get to the other side of OCD. 

I also realize that the way you manage OCD is YOUR CHOICE. You don’t have to do this hard work of choosing which thoughts to believe, leaning into uncomfortable feelings and resisting urges. 

I hope that you do. You are an amazing person, and I want you to savor everything that life has to offer. Unmanaged OCD may be the biggest life obstacle that you face. 

As a parent, my biggest job—besides loving you—is supporting you as you cage your OCD Monster. 

So, you’ll be seeing me do things differently. I’ll give you the heads up as I make changes.

Then you can request a separate conversation. You can say, “I would love to have a brainstorming session with you to generate ideas about what you find helpful and what you DON”T find helpful as you manage your brain. 

“You can decide whether it’s just the two of us, or the entire family.” 

Step 2: Collaborate on a Plan

Frame the intention of the plan. Say, “My highest goal to love you and help you cage your OCD monster. 

“That’s why I have made a decision to do things differently.

“ I would love to hear what you find helpful and what’s not helpful.”

Write down all ideas on one side of the paper—no editing.

Once you get ideas down, you can go through the list. 

Your child might say, “I just want you to listen to how much it hurts without trying to fix it.”  You can say yes to that one. 

If your child says, “I want you to give me reassurances without getting annoyed or snapping at me.” You can say, “I know your OCD Monster wants reassurances, but every time I give you reassurances it gives your OCD Monster more power. I’m unwilling to do it. 

Here’s what I propose. Right now I give you about 10 reassurances a week. Then I usually snap at you. I’m willing to give you a reassurance ONE TIME. After that I’ll say, “I’m not engaging with the OCD Monster any more.” Will that work for you? Maybe your child wants to negotiate 3 reassurances. 

Say, “I know I’m not going to be perfect at unplugging from power struggles.  If you catch me turning into the OCD thought police, how will you let me know?” Kelly said, “I’ll just make a siren sound.” That became a fun way for the whole family to manage their roles.

Step 3 Strengthen Your Connection with YOUR CHILD.

It’s natural that your ATTENTION is on the OCD Monster. 

Your engagement with the OCD Monster leaves you less time and energy to be with YOUR CHILD.

You can shift your attention to YOUR CHILD.

Laugh and have fun together. SO the things that bring you joy. Your Get your child’s input about fun things to do together. 

When you feel yourself judging or getting ready to offer a criticism, bite your tongue.

Especially when you begin the relationship reboot. Offer compliments and positive feedback. " Hey, I noticed that you drank from a glass in the cupboard  without sterilizing it. "

This HARD. You’re breaking old habits. You are going to need to resist the urge to deliver a command rather than ask questions. 

Your child is learning to manage urges, too.

You won’t get this perfect. As my therapist says, “If you get it right half the time, love will take you to 100%”