Well, hello, friend. How do you get less of what you don't want and more of what you want? That's the topic of today's podcast. In fact, this is the second of a 2 podcast series. Well, welcome to the Free Me From OCD podcast.

We're here to offer educational resources, coaching, and community support to help you say yes to your life by saying no to OCD. I'm Dr. Vicki Rackner, your podcast host and OCD coach. I call on my experience as a mother of a son diagnosed with OCD when he was in college, surgeon, and certified life coach to help you get in the driver's seat of your life. My vision is to help you move towards a future in which OCD is nothing more than the background noise of your full life. This information is intended as an adjunct and not a substitute for therapy.

In the last podcast episode, I mentioned that I keep a magic wand next to my computer for a reason. It's a constant reminder of my work. I'm here to help my clients get what they want. Once OCD enters your life, whether you're the person with OCD or it's somebody you love, your life changes. You get a heaping dose of things you don't want.

And unmanaged OCD can take away the things that you do want. It doesn't have to be like this. You can learn to manage OCD whether you're the OCD warrior or you're the OCD caregiver champion. And as painful as it can be, OCD can be an invitation for you to evolve into the best version of yourself. But it's hard work and not everyone chooses to do it.

The best way to fuel this work is to focus on the things that you really want in your life. In the last episode, I talked about the top three reasons getting what you want seems like such a challenge, especially with OCD. But here's the paradox. The best incentive for doing the hard work of managing OCD is the focus on what you want. That's why this is such an important topic.

So how do you go about doing it? Well, in this episode, I'm going to lay out the top three steps to getting what you want. I'll show you how and why people get stuck in each stage. Then I'll share with you the single most powerful self coaching tool we call the freedom formula. This is thought work that will help you get unstuck in any stage that you're in.

So let's begin with step number 1, give yourself permission to explore what you want. Now this is where most people get stuck and here are the top three reasons. 1st, you're in survival mode. You wonder how you'll get through each day or maybe even each hour and it's unlikely that you're gonna imagine possibilities if you're just trying to survive. 2nd, sometimes a focus on what you want seems a little indulgent.

When I ask parents of adult kids with OCD what they want, they often say to me, look, we've got big problems in our family. I don't wanna go talking about bubble baths. 3rd, you're not always aware that it's even an option. I remember speaking with a very disappointed woman. She'd always wanted to learn to belly dance.

She found a studio and went to submit her application but discovered that the deadline had passed. I said, well, why don't you just call the studio and see if you can just still submit your application? She said, I didn't even know that you can do that. The second step, forgetting what you want, is getting practice knowing what you want and why you want it. I remember a woman telling me the story about recovering from her divorce.

She said a friend suggested we go out to dinner and take a break from the drama of my divorce. She suggested a new Japanese restaurant that people were raving about. I immediately said, oh, I don't like Japanese. Once the words escaped my mouth, I realized that my ex didn't like Japanese so I just adopted his preferences to make my life easier. I need to figure out whether or not I like Japanese and it's not just Japanese food.

I realize that I often don't know what I want and nobody's asking me. So many people can use practice getting to know what they want. Start practicing and start small instead of just going to the kitchen and seeing what's in the fridge. Ask yourself, what am I hungry for? What do I really want?

Get to know in your body what desire feels like. You'll also benefit when you learn to distinguish between a desire and an urge. True desire feels differently than an urge. Urges are often habit driven behaviors done to avoid an unwanted feeling. Think about the urge to do compulsions.

Urges are like itches that demand scratching. Urges scream. Desires whisper. The 3rd step in getting what you want is actually taking action. And the way you go about getting what you want matters.

The way that most people get stuck in this stage is tied to the belief that they get what they want by changing their circumstances or changing the actions of other people. Ted said, when I get home from a chaotic day I want home to be peaceful. I lose it when I come home to find a sink full of dishes. And so he focuses efforts trying to convince his family members to put the dishes in the dishwasher, but nothing seemed to work. The inherent problem with trying to get what you want by changing other people or changing circumstances is that they are out of your control.

The only person you can control is yourself. So how do you go about getting what you want even if the circumstances don't change and the people around you don't change. The answer to that question is the self coaching tool I mentioned. In the community, we call it the freedom formula. Sometimes we call it thought work, and here's what it's about.

You can change your life by changing your thoughts. In fact, choosing your thoughts intentionally may be the single most powerful way to achieve true personal freedom. I recognize that this sounds like a woo woo idea. However, your personal experience with OCD may lead you to an intuitive understanding of the wisdom of this idea. Let me give you an example that demonstrates the power of thoughts.

Let's imagine 2 women, Julie and Anne. They both plan blowout July 4th family reunions. They organize great picnics and outdoor games and even boating and fishing. Then on July 3rd, they learn it's gonna rain all day on the 4th July, and both of their cities canceled the fireworks. K.

So the circumstances were identical, but that's where the similarities ended. Julie hears the news and thinks, my family reunion is ruined. When she thinks that thought, she felt defeated and sad and a little angry. So what actions did she take? Well, she started calling her friends and told them that nothing ever goes her way.

Then she went up into the bedroom and crawled under the covers. Late that night, she sent out a text to all of her relatives saying that all of the events were canceled and everyone was on their own. The result, Julie's July 4th family reunion was ruined. Anne was different, though. When Anne heard the news update, she had a wave of disappointment.

This is not what she planned. It was not what she wanted. Then she had the thought, the point is for our family to have a great time together. We can still do that. That thought made her feel determined, so she dug in to create indoor plans.

She recruited others to help her. The result? The family had the best reunion ever. They had great war stories to tell for years to come. Remember that drenched July 4th without fireworks?

That was the best ever. So no one wants it to rain on July 4th. But does rain ruin plans? No. This example of Julia and Anne demonstrate that it's the thoughts about your circumstance that create the results you get in life.

Your thoughts can enslave you. We see that with unmanaged OCD. Your thoughts can also free you. They can help you get what you want. Here's another example that demonstrates the power of thought.

Let me give you another example. I love carrying $2 bills, especially when I travel. I use them for tips. The owner of the nail salon I frequent says, thank you for the lucky money. Let's say somebody I'm traveling with sees me giving away a $2 bill saying, wow, that would be nice to have $2 bills.

I bet she has a special hookup that I don't have. I'd like to have $2 bills, but I can't have it. That thought could create resentment towards me. The resentment might cause this person to withdraw from me. The result, this person doesn't have the thing that he wants, the $2 bills.

Let's say you see me tipping with a $2 bill. You think that's very cool. I'd like to have them too. You get excited about the thought of having them. You get curious.

You ask me, hey, how did you get those $2 bills? I'd say, oh, it's easy. You just go to the bank and ask the teller. Usually they have some. Sometimes they don't.

When I find a bank with a big stash, I'll often get maybe $200 $2 bills. So both individuals saw this $2 bill and they both thought I want this. One person thought it's possible for her but it's not possible for me. The other person thought it's possible for her so it's possible for me too and both prove themselves right. This is true going after anything that you want.

Mira asked me, should I get divorced? I asked her, what do you want from your marriage? We explored some of the thoughts and feelings that got in the way. Then we identified new thoughts for her to practice. Doing the thought work is the uniform best step when you think about getting what you want.

Then you may or may not decide to change your circumstances by divorcing or quitting a job or establishing boundaries with people you love. But when you take action before doing the thought work, you generally recreate the circumstances that you don't want. So, again, you may think that circumstances create our feelings. However, that is not true. It's our thought about our circumstances that create the feelings and actions and results that we experience.

You can't control your circumstance. You can't just issue a decree. It will not rain on July 4th. You cannot force other people into action. You can't take a gun to somebody's head and say, you put those dishes in the dishwasher or else.

However, you always have the power to choose the thoughts about your circumstances, and that thought is very powerful. That thought gets translated into a feeling, into an action that then creates the results in your life. If you don't like the result that you're getting, you can choose and practice a different thought. That is the single most powerful tool for achieving personal freedom and getting the things that you want in life. It's a possibility that can free you from OCD.

Now this is not a replacement for ERP work or any other therapy that you are doing. This is an adjunct. This is basically a way of managing your human brain so that your brain serves you. Thank you again for your listening ear and for your commitment to yourself and the people that you love. Please leave a review.

It will help others like you find this podcast and benefit from the ideas that you're hearing. And if nobody has told you today, I admire your courage. Managing OCD may be the hardest job I've ever taken on. Whether you're an OCD warrior or an OCD caregiving champion, you are not alone. There's hope for a better tomorrow.

You've got this.